Rambles on top of rambles

Not much has been going on, I've been really busy with school. I have been super duper uber stressed about this one project thats worth almost 50% of our grade, yeah Im freaking. It's due today, I spent SO much freaking time on it. If I don't get a good grade or move on to the next level, I'm gonna be pissed. I don't know why I try so hard to get good grades, I don't know if its the satisfaction or that I want to succeed. Even when I try super hard one of my other friends ALWAYS gets the same grade or better and this might sound bad but I know in some areas I do know a little more, one time the only reason she got an A was because of me. She's a dancer and model and has this amazing boyfriend and I'm always super jealous of her, she's my best friend but I dunno I guess I am really insecure and get jealous easy. To cope with all this stress I have been doing a little bit of art, for the longest time Ive tried avoiding art because my moms an artist and art teacher and I feel super self conscious about whatever I do and I feel like I can never live up to her expectations. I always feel super embarrassed that I cant paint or draw like she can. I have this habit of destroying every art piece that I actually like, I have no clue why I do it but one time I tried helping mom with one of her pottery classes and I tried pottery and I was TERRIBLE like I was worse than the 3rd graders I was teaching, i know right? Ughh but I made this decent pot, not fancy but I liked it because it was the only one that actually made it out intact. Well the next day she was talking about how proud she was of my brothers(both 5 years younger) and she said nothing about my bowl and I asked if it was good and she answer, it sounds pathetic but it hurt, a lot so I destroyed it then it became a habit. I actually got really badly in trouble at school for destroying my art projects. I made this terrible art project and I hated it so my friend and I were going to switch, well she folded it up and the teacher came up to me and started yelling at my and I HATE it absolutely hate it when I get in trouble, I always start crying when I do something wrong, that's something I hate about myself. She said stuff about how the only reason I destroy my art work is to anger my mom which really hit a nerve and I completely lost it. Well anyways I have been trying to use art to cope with stress. I drew and painted this one thing that turned out terrible but I liked the idea of it. I drew my face then erased half of my face and put in words that really hurt me, like fat ugly mean crooked teeth etc. and I water colored it. I realize once again that the only artsy thing about me is drawing fashion designs, I am definitely not super good but I like it and my mom completely is the opposite. One thing I really struggle with is that I am not really good at anything. Whenever I wallow in self pity that always comes up. It adds to the fact that I am completely and utterly average yet at the same time not average. I hate sports and CANNOT for the life of my play them, at.all.seriously. I am the elephant in the field trying to catch the penny, that didn't really make sense but whatever you get it. I am terrible at singing, I sound like a dying platypus being run over by an octopus. I cannot play instruments to save my life, I tried playing piano and my teacher told me that my brother was better than me and hes 5 years younger then me so I quit. I can't dance...at all. I am kinda smart but not enough at all to be a hobby. I don't really have many interests... I am a really boring person..till you get me drunk ;)...just kidding...But enough of the self pity. It sucks but hopefully someday Ill find where I belong, what I'm good at. God gives everyone talents and have yet to discover mine. I would LOVE to love things..but I just hate all of it...I guess I might could be fun? but like if i was someone else I wouldn't hang out with myself at all. What do you call a fake noodle? AN IMPOSTA! hahaaahaa love that joke ;) I love cheesy jokes although I am terrible at telling them...man I am my worst haters. OH thats another thing, I try my hardest for no one to hate me even if I dont like them, it sounds really fake and most people would say I am fake but I just dont want drama, I just can't imagine myself being mean to someones face enough to make them hate me i dunno its stupid.But I am also really bad at loving people..I used to be really good but then jealousy and being stupid just took over. I am going to make a promise to me and God, I am going to try my hardest to love people this week, let's call it the love week :) 1 Corinthians 13 " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I want to love like this. Write yalls soon :) why am I saying y'all? I live in the way up north...gosh