Hey guys so today i wanna write about my love life. Now I'm going to start off with my definition of love. Love is not just a feeling not just those butterflies, its a promise. A promise to always be there, have a deep compassion for them. To me love is when Jesus died on the cross for me. I know, no earthly love can be that great but that's my definition of love. People toss the word love around like it's nothing. People say hate is a strong word? Well love is even more powerful. So when I ever say I was in love, I am saying more like I REALLY liked him, like REALLY liked him. Growing up very conservatively I never learned how to act around guys, even guys who are friends. I am extremely awkward around any guy, it doesnt matter how unattractive or old he is, I am just awkward. The first guy I liked was the one who bullied me, which I said in my last post. To get to the point of this post I'm going to go straight into the story. No one had ever liked me and I never really honestly liked a guy. I met this guy in ninth grade through mutual friends. I was a cheerleader for his basketball team that year. He thought I was cute, I thought he was HOTT! haha. We started talking, but the weird thing is we didnt actually personally meet for around a month. When we did, we didn't even talk, great way to start out the relationship, right? We never were friends in the beginning, we went straight into flirting and I firmly believe that was one of the major issues in our relationship. It was so exciting, I love adrenaline and I got a whole lot of it during that time period. He was thrilling, different then anything I had ever encountered. We talked all the time late into the night. I thought he liked me and he even asked me out to a dance (at the time I didn't know he had already asked a girl and he knew he couldn't go) Then all of a sudden, he met a girl and we stopped talking. It was so instant I didn't really have time to react. I was really sad during those months when he was going out with this gorgeous girl. I was so self conscious and she was so pretty. I thought my whole world crashed down on me. I was so naive, its crazy. I remember talking to him and I asked if he ever liked me, he said he didn't. I guess it was because I had never even liked a guy before that I went insane. I thought he was the douchiest guy ever! Now when I look back I see that we were just flirting and it did not really mean much. After they broke up we started going again. The next months I really was on cloud nine. I got to see him more often, we held hands, had tickle fights. We were flirting like crazy for probably three months before I got sick of it and I was all up on NyQuil and I told him I liked him and he said he felt the same way. Like shortly turned to love. We would say it all the time, we were really quite the cheesy couple. We were "official" for a while and he was really off and on, but I was too entangled to see anything, I like the adrenaline and butterflies far too much. Then finally on May 28th I remember texting him saying good morning babe<3 and he never texted me back for the next 4 months. I was devastated. But I knew I was stronger then that so I pretended to be over him. I confronted him in the middle of the summer and he said he was sorry but he wasn't over his ex. I accepted that, but then found out later he was dating 2 or more other girls like he was dating me. Thats the part that really hurt me. Here I was, this really hot guy "loved" me and I was special to him then I found out I was just another one of his bitches, or even less now that I think about it. This will sound absurd and crazy but even after a year I still haven't be able to get over him. I have no clue why and I know I am stronger then this but I guess my heart thinks other wise. I can see know how stupid I am, so at the last game I was like I am just gonna go up to him and talk to him(he recently became single after like 6 or 7 months). Either he would reject me and I would seriously have to get over him or we'd get back together. When I talked to him I thought we were gonna get back together, we had a long hug and dayuumn he smelt SO freaking good, I seriously like his cologne so so much I drives me crazy. All I have to say is that he rejected me, so I guess I'm going to have to figure something out. One little thing I forgot to mention, we never kissed and I still long for a kiss from him even though I know it'll never happen, we talked about kissing alot though. Well if you read this huge long rant or vent I am really thankful. It feels really good to express my feelings! I really hope he doesn't read this....ahaha embarrassing...
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