Rambles on top of rambles

Not much has been going on, I've been really busy with school. I have been super duper uber stressed about this one project thats worth almost 50% of our grade, yeah Im freaking. It's due today, I spent SO much freaking time on it. If I don't get a good grade or move on to the next level, I'm gonna be pissed. I don't know why I try so hard to get good grades, I don't know if its the satisfaction or that I want to succeed. Even when I try super hard one of my other friends ALWAYS gets the same grade or better and this might sound bad but I know in some areas I do know a little more, one time the only reason she got an A was because of me. She's a dancer and model and has this amazing boyfriend and I'm always super jealous of her, she's my best friend but I dunno I guess I am really insecure and get jealous easy. To cope with all this stress I have been doing a little bit of art, for the longest time Ive tried avoiding art because my moms an artist and art teacher and I feel super self conscious about whatever I do and I feel like I can never live up to her expectations. I always feel super embarrassed that I cant paint or draw like she can. I have this habit of destroying every art piece that I actually like, I have no clue why I do it but one time I tried helping mom with one of her pottery classes and I tried pottery and I was TERRIBLE like I was worse than the 3rd graders I was teaching, i know right? Ughh but I made this decent pot, not fancy but I liked it because it was the only one that actually made it out intact. Well the next day she was talking about how proud she was of my brothers(both 5 years younger) and she said nothing about my bowl and I asked if it was good and she answer, it sounds pathetic but it hurt, a lot so I destroyed it then it became a habit. I actually got really badly in trouble at school for destroying my art projects. I made this terrible art project and I hated it so my friend and I were going to switch, well she folded it up and the teacher came up to me and started yelling at my and I HATE it absolutely hate it when I get in trouble, I always start crying when I do something wrong, that's something I hate about myself. She said stuff about how the only reason I destroy my art work is to anger my mom which really hit a nerve and I completely lost it. Well anyways I have been trying to use art to cope with stress. I drew and painted this one thing that turned out terrible but I liked the idea of it. I drew my face then erased half of my face and put in words that really hurt me, like fat ugly mean crooked teeth etc. and I water colored it. I realize once again that the only artsy thing about me is drawing fashion designs, I am definitely not super good but I like it and my mom completely is the opposite. One thing I really struggle with is that I am not really good at anything. Whenever I wallow in self pity that always comes up. It adds to the fact that I am completely and utterly average yet at the same time not average. I hate sports and CANNOT for the life of my play them, at.all.seriously. I am the elephant in the field trying to catch the penny, that didn't really make sense but whatever you get it. I am terrible at singing, I sound like a dying platypus being run over by an octopus. I cannot play instruments to save my life, I tried playing piano and my teacher told me that my brother was better than me and hes 5 years younger then me so I quit. I can't dance...at all. I am kinda smart but not enough at all to be a hobby. I don't really have many interests... I am a really boring person..till you get me drunk ;)...just kidding...But enough of the self pity. It sucks but hopefully someday Ill find where I belong, what I'm good at. God gives everyone talents and have yet to discover mine. I would LOVE to love things..but I just hate all of it...I guess I might could be fun? but like if i was someone else I wouldn't hang out with myself at all. What do you call a fake noodle? AN IMPOSTA! hahaaahaa love that joke ;) I love cheesy jokes although I am terrible at telling them...man I am my worst haters. OH thats another thing, I try my hardest for no one to hate me even if I dont like them, it sounds really fake and most people would say I am fake but I just dont want drama, I just can't imagine myself being mean to someones face enough to make them hate me i dunno its stupid.But I am also really bad at loving people..I used to be really good but then jealousy and being stupid just took over. I am going to make a promise to me and God, I am going to try my hardest to love people this week, let's call it the love week :) 1 Corinthians 13 " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I want to love like this. Write yalls soon :) why am I saying y'all? I live in the way up north...gosh

Cheerleading Dance

I am the one second to the left!

Yesterday I preformed the dance I have been trying to perfect for the longest time. The dance kept running through my head like a broken record. I preformed it in front of the school with 5 other girls. Only the front row got to do it in front of the school. I was so scared, I was shaking insanely  I was so scared. We were just a couple inches from everyone in our school and every eye was watching every step, every bounce and every hand motion. I felt like the dance blanked then my body took over and I was surprised I didn't mess up, I tend to do that during important moments. I was really proud of myself for getting through that, but even my smile was shaking and I was scared that people could see that I was struggling. Then I went home with a couple of my friends and we were getting ready. All of them are super skinny with long legs, I am the opposite. I am curvy and I have average legs. I always feel extremely self conscious around them. We got to the game and I was so nervous. He was there(yes HIM) and that made me 100x more nervous. I needed to be perfect. The captain had to step down so I got to be captain. That was sooo cool! I didn't do the greatest job but I did the best I could and it feels so good to be a leader. I love it. It got to the dance and I just walked out there with all the fake confidence I could muster up. I looked at the clock the whole time and did perfect. I was so proud of myself. In recent and before years I have done dances and messed them up terribly, so I thought I was for sure going to mess up really badly even though I knew I knew the dance by heart. Over all it was a great game and I am rarely proud of myself but I thought I did great!

Love, the good stuff

Hey guys so today i wanna write about my love life. Now I'm going to start off with my definition of love. Love is not just a feeling not just those butterflies, its a promise. A promise to always be there, have a deep compassion for them. To me love is when Jesus died on the cross for me. I know, no earthly love can be that great but that's my definition of love. People toss the word love around like it's nothing. People say hate is a strong word? Well love is even more powerful. So when I ever say I was in love, I am saying more like I REALLY liked him, like REALLY liked him. Growing up very conservatively I never learned how to act around guys, even guys who are friends. I am extremely awkward around any guy, it doesnt matter how unattractive or old he is, I am just awkward. The first guy I liked was the one who bullied me, which I said in my last post. To get to the point of this post I'm going to go straight into the story. No one had ever liked me and I never really honestly liked a guy. I met this guy in ninth grade through mutual friends. I was a cheerleader for his basketball team that year. He thought I was cute, I thought he was HOTT! haha. We started talking, but the weird thing is we didnt actually personally meet for around a month. When we did, we didn't even talk, great way to start out the relationship, right? We never were friends in the beginning, we went straight into flirting and I firmly believe that was one of the major issues in our relationship. It was so exciting, I love adrenaline and I got a whole lot of it during that time period. He was thrilling, different then anything I had ever encountered. We talked all the time late into the night. I thought he liked me and he even asked me out to a dance (at the time I didn't know he had already asked a girl and he knew he couldn't go) Then all of a sudden, he met a girl and we stopped talking. It was so instant I didn't really have time to react. I was really sad during those months when he was going out with this gorgeous girl. I was so self conscious and she was so pretty. I thought my whole world crashed down on me. I was so naive, its crazy. I remember talking to him and I asked if he ever liked me, he said he didn't. I guess it was because I had never even liked a guy before that I went insane. I thought he was the douchiest guy ever! Now when I look back I see that we were just flirting and it did not really mean much. After they broke up we started going again. The next months I really was on cloud nine. I got to see him more often, we held hands, had tickle fights. We were flirting like crazy for probably three months before I got sick of it and I was all up on NyQuil and I told him I liked him and he said he felt the same way. Like shortly turned to love. We would say it all the time, we were really quite the cheesy couple. We were "official" for a while and he was really off and on, but I was too entangled to see anything, I like the adrenaline and butterflies far too much. Then finally on May 28th I remember texting him saying good morning babe<3 and he never texted me back for the next 4 months. I was devastated. But I knew I was stronger then that so I pretended to be over him. I confronted him in the middle of the summer and he said he was sorry but he wasn't over his ex. I accepted that, but then found out later he was dating 2 or more other girls like he was dating me. Thats the part that really hurt me. Here I was, this really hot guy "loved" me and I was special to him then I found out I was just another one of his bitches, or even less now that I think about it. This will sound absurd and crazy but even after a year I still haven't be able to get over him. I have no clue why and I know I am stronger then this but I guess my heart thinks other wise. I can see know how stupid I am, so at the last game I was like I am just gonna go up to him and talk to him(he recently became single after like 6 or 7 months). Either he would reject me and I would seriously have to get over him or we'd get back together. When I talked to him I thought we were gonna get back together, we had a long hug and dayuumn he smelt SO freaking good, I seriously like his cologne so so much I drives me crazy. All I have to say is that he rejected me, so I guess I'm going to have to figure something out. One little thing I forgot to mention, we never kissed and I still long for a kiss from him even though I know it'll never happen, we talked about kissing alot though. Well if you read this huge long rant or vent I am really thankful. It feels really good to express my feelings! I really hope he doesn't read this....ahaha embarrassing...

I dont really know what to putin these blogs, but for a long time i've needed to vent and tell random people my feelings but that's not....normal. What to say about me? Hmmm well ill start with that i grew up in a christian home and i went to church every sunday and it didnt become real for me until around two years ago when i went through a rough patch in my life. When i was younger i went toa private christian school that was extremely small like tweenty people in the whole school small. I knowits crazy right? There i didnt learn any social or street skills so ive always been a little..awkward. i got bullied physically and mentally really badly and the guy i really liked, bullied me the worse. Everyday he would tell me i was ugly and useless. Now, you have to understand those years were awkward and i was not cute at all!i had glasses crooked teeth and acne. I was also always told i was really fat but in reality i was actually really skinny so i starved myself amd i wantted to throwup what i ate but i couldn't because i have no gag reflex. I finally got outof the bad situation after a couple of years but the scars were fresh and i got hurt easily. i homeschooled the next year and during that year i didnt realize it but i gained 30 pounds because i went the opposite way....eating all the time...all junk food. Then last year my freshman year i went to a small but bigger then my old school charter school. I started recovering from everything, made friends, started becoming more social and realized i was actually kinda smart. The year was going great until a girl completed suicide at our school. I rocked my world, and not in a good way. Until then i never knew that suicide was so prevalent and the extremities of it.During that time i fell in love and i also fell out of love...and it was hard. All these things were new to me and i hadnt even talked to boys before this. I couldnt really handle any of it my feelings were out of wack. I still believe this was due to the extreme conservative up bringing i have. I didnt handle this well at all, i went back into ,y bad habits eating wayy to much.i did a littoe better in the summmer. At the end of the su,,er though, i had lots of suicidal thoughts and one day i got really mad at my mom and i told her i was goimg to kill myself. I went for a run and i remember vivdly that i stoped because i couldnt go any farther and i was lost, physically amd mentally. After many hours of wandering sitting and crying i went home and saw a bottle of pills...i overdosed. Thankfully i did mot succed. The reason that i am alive today is because of Jesus. Truthfully. I am doing better and trying to progress to become my best. Thank you for whoever read this far amd i know it was probably grueling!i dont want sympathy because i know that there are so many more people goimg through worse, i just needed to vent :)